Tuesday, March 27, 2012


Okay, so last night was the stuff of nightmares. It was in some ways even worse than the bloodbath fiasco a few nights ago. The new chemo drug they are giving her, Cyclosporine, is making her violently ill, and she has been literally throwing up all night. Then early this morning, she woke up screaming that her bones hurt, and the nurse told me that bone pain is common at this stage because the blood cells are produced in the middle of the bones, so the chemo is killing them off and the center of her bones is a battle ground right now. They added some Beny-Reglan, a combination of Benadryl and Reglan to her drug cocktail, which helps with the nausea by relaxing her and keeping her GI tract moving so that there is nothing in her stomach and therefore the urge to vomit is reduced. They added Fentanyl for the pain, and heat packs, but nothing seems to really be helping and I am at a loss for what to do. All I can do is keep her comfortable, or at least as comfortable as I can, but Miss Boots is not a "brave front" kinda girl, so despite our best efforts, our room is filled with the sounds of her screams every few minutes.

Two more days, I keep telling myself, two more days, and this is almost over. As though God knew we needed it, He sent in our favorite nurse, Kara, and her presence seemed to calm both of us, at least for a moment. I'm not sure what it is, but she has a presence that is reassuring, and she is an amazing nurse. Perhaps it's the fact that she loves Sarah as much as I do that is so comforting to me.

All we can do is pray, and wait. Sarah is sitting on her bed, surrounded by toys, and she has no desire to play. I think that is the most heart-breaking part, that this is not my girl, this is not my Sarah. Sarah plays no matter how she feels, so if she is just lying there, I know her pain and suffering is so much worse than what she lets on.

I am off to go make her some Chamomile tea and pray that it settles her stomach at least a little. It always worked when she was a baby, and I am grateful that my use of it in her infancy has made her acquire a taste for it. Perhaps it can help her now. Then I am going to string the countless Beads of Courage that she has racked up since we got here a week ago, and then I am going to attempt to distract her any way I can. Perhaps in doing so I can distract myself from the fact that I feel so effing useless.

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