Just a quick update because poesy is beyond me at this point...
Yesterday, the nurses kept saying that we could possibly go home today, and while I told Sarah that we may not get to, she was still royally pissed when she woke up and not only do we not get to go home, but we have a roommate!
Yeah, she wasn't having it. She starts crying, yelling that she doesn't want a roommate, and to get her out of here! I explain that this isn't nice, that we need to be gracious and understanding. Yeah, imagine my surprise when she so didn't care! lol
Imagine my greater surprise when the roommate's mother tells the CA, "Believe me, we feel the exact same way."
She complained about not being near the window (we have had bed 2 since we got here last Sunday, and they generally don't take Bed 2 away from the patient who had it first),she complained because the dresser wouldn't move, she gave the CA a lecture about how, with everything we have to go through, the least they could do is give us private rooms, and that they should have thought of that when they built the hospital. Um...this hospital is a very nice one, and it may have escaped her notice, but I don't think I have ever read HILTON on the side of the building! (Besides, the new tower is set to open in the spring, where every patient will have their own room!)
She engaged me shortly after in a conversation, and my momma having raised me properly, I was as cordial and polite as I could have been, despite the fact that I kinda didn't want to talk to her after what I heard in her conversation with the staff! These people, after three years, have become my friends, some of them have become like family. I don't stomach it well when they are treated like "the help". But still, as I said, my momma raised me right, and I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. After all, I don't necessarily make the best first impression, people often mistake my initial shyness for haughtiness, and when I do start talking, not everyone appreciates my propensity for calling a spade a damn shovel. Plus, this isn't exactly an easy thing to go through, and everyone reacts in their own way.
So I talked to her, and what I found was this. They are relatively new to this, and have had it fairly easy. She seems to be fighting her fate. Being a cancer mom is kind of a birthright, a destiny. The more you fight it, the harder your life becomes. If you accept it, assume it, rock it the best way you can, even revel and take pride in it (what better badge of honor and valor could there be?) then it sort of ceases to take over your life and becomes a part of who you are. Is it always easy? Is it easy to come to a place of peace when your child is suffering on a daily basis? Hell no! Those of you who read this blog regularly know some of what I myself have struggled with, those of you who know me personally know even more. Did I want this? Heeeeeeeelllll no! But Jesus didn't want to be Savior, either. With greatness comes sacrifice. And the more you fight, the harder it is.
I never understood before now why so many people commended me, lauded me as an inspiration, a paragon of motherhood (toot toot! ha ha) when I was just doing my job. I always thought that any mother would do the same for her child and gladly. I never really saw myself as being any stronger than any of the other amazing women I have met through this experience, and because of the difficulties Sarah and I have faced, I often have seen myself as a failure. But I guess from the outside looking in, the fact that I have never seen any other choice but to accept our fate, accept our fight, and do exactly what I needed to do to get her through this as quickly and painlessly as possible seems commendable because the choice is not so easily made for everyone. Not that the result isn't the same, but acceptance isn't as easily come by for some.
My only goal has been to keep her as comfortable and as happy as I possibly can so that I can, from beginning to middle (I refuse to say end! In my mind, in my heart and my soul of souls, this can only end one way. My daughter is stubborn as hell, and she will use that to get through this! This will not be the end of her story by a long shot!) and I will continue to do so. I will continue to fight alongside my daughter. I accept my birthright. I will try to help my fellow cancer moms accept theirs if they haven't already. I will rejoice in the successes of all of our children, because we are a family. We will slay this dragon called Cancer and we will dance over its ashes. Not only will we survive, we will live.