Sunday, April 8, 2012

Day 10...Easter's Eve...

Okay, so I actually had to look at my calendar to see how many days it has been post-transplant, and I cannot believe that it has already been 10 days. For the past three days at least, Sarah has sort of been in a medically-induced coma, spending most of her hours asleep, and her few moments of consciousness in pain. It is amazing how much time you lose when you are sitting in a vacuum.

Tomorrow is Easter. I just so happened to have some pictures that my mom had printed up for Sarah's scrapbook, which Sarah then stole and refused to give back, even going so far as to sleep with them in a death-grip. Among those pictures are Sarah's second Easter, the first Easter where she was really old enough to get into anything, since her actual first Easter she was only three months old. She hunted eggs in the yard, she had her first taste of a See's chocolate bunny. Her little curls were wild all over her head, tamed occasionally by the tiniest little pigtails.

Then, because somehow the memory card for my phone got ruined when my mom tried to print up some of the 700 plus pictures I had on my phone, I was going back through my facebook photo albums to see which cell phone pictures had been preserved, and which had been tragically lost. In this search, I came across photos from last Easter. Sarah died eggs, hunted in the yard, helped me bake cookies.

This year, we will not be doing any of those things. This is the first Easter, ever, that I have been away from my family, the first Easter that we haven't been home to dye eggs, the first Easter that Sarah wasn't allowed to dye or eat her own Easter eggs. There was no Easter Beagle this year with Mike and the kids, no confetti eggs, and this is the first Easter in ten years that Mike and I haven't stayed up late eating stray Easter candy as we filled the kids' baskets. This is the first Easter of Sarah's life that I have not put together her basket myself, nor have I had a hand in buying most of the items to fill it. She will not hunt eggs in the yard this year. The Easter Bunny will be going to Ama's and Ama will be bringing her basket to the hospital. Granted, although I had only a small hand in buying items for her basket, based on what few items I could buy online, her basket will  be quite large, and filled to the brim. My husband has put together a secondary basket that is just from him, because nobody, not Santa, and certainly not the Easter Bunny, can outdo Daddy in the spoilage department. Sarah came back to herself a little today, despite the egregious but necessary amount of pain medicine that she is on; I can only hope that she will manage to be as alert tomorrow.

I can let go of the fact that this is the first Easter that Sarah has not been home, the same way that I let go for her birthday and for Christmas, as long as she is happy. Still, despite my best efforts, Mommy dropped the ball. I realized too late, that I should have had a small something from the Easter Bunny for her to wake up to. She did not like the idea that she would have to wait for Ama to come, but I hope that she will sleep until Ama can get here. It surprises me that the hospital didn't have the Easter bunny come the way they did with Santa. Sarah met Santa about fourteen times here before Christmas actually came. Perhaps it's an idea that can be revisited later with my friend, Joe, who has a cancer foundation.

Tomorrow, my husband and stepdaughter, my mother and grandmother, are all coming to spend Easter here in the hospital with us. I cannot wait to see the look on Sarah's face when she sees her ginormous basket (cannot  believe that the spell check did not underline the word "ginormous"). I will take pictures and post them here tomorrow. In the meantime, here are some pictures of Sarah from today, in the few brief treasured moments where my little girl came back to me for just a little while.

How Sarah has spent the last three days...

My Sarah Bear-a, during her hour of consciousness this afternoon...we made good use of the hour pretending to be berry-hunting pirates searching for "trea-shaaaaa!"
Playing Dr. Sarah with her Lalaloopsy doll, singing "Dr. Sarah to the Rescuuuuuue!" which she says is her theme song....that she just made up...God, I love this kid!

Watching Sarah play doctor was the highlight of my day. She mimics the nurses and doctors so exactly, it is HILARIOUS!!! She knows all of the steps for dressing changes and lab draws. She asks lots of questions about poop,. because apparently,  so do they! She fishes in the pocket of her little lab coat for alcohol wipes and stickers to give to her obedient patients. At four years old, she has already decided she wants to be a nurse, or a doctor. She hasn't decided yet. Whichever she decides, I think the theme song should definitely stay, and I look forward to embarrassing her with it when she graduates from med school. It is my God-given right as a mother. If we have to give up a few holidays to give her a lifetime filled with them, so be it. If all of this is the path we have to tread to get there, bring it on. 

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