Okay, so the BMT coordinator comes in to confirm that I got the scary ass consent forms (yes...I got them, I read them, I wrote a huge blog about how much they scared the Bejeezus out of me. Check that off your list.) and to confirm that the meeting is THIS Thursday! Yikes! This is all moving by so quickly, I can't believe it.
The BMT coordinator asked if I had any questions. I have a ton, I'm just not sure she has any answers for me. How did we get here? And what will life be like from now on? How long will it be before I stop worrying about her? Am I going to forever be one of those overprotective moms that wipes everything with a Clorox wipe, and how are things going to play out from here?
I am sure that after Thursday, when we have an actual plan, and all of my logistical questions have been answered, I will feel at least slightly better about the fact that there are no guarantees in this, and that the doctors cannot promise me anything. The thing is, they simply don't know what the outcome is going to be. It all depends on what her body is going to do, and it's not up to any of us, not even her. It's up to God. All I can do is keep her as calm and as comfortable as I can, try to keep myself from going insane, and the rest will fall into place. We've come this far. What's the alternative? Not having her? Not an option.
I saw that in the consent form, a codicil about "alternatives to treatment", and it basically said that the only alternative is for a person to refuse treatment, and that this will most likely result in the patient's death. And I'm thinking, really? Who chooses that, that they have to put it in? I mean, I know that there are people in the world who believe that it is God's will to make people sick and consequently to make them die from said illness, so it would be "interfering" to take measures to prevent death. I get it, on a cerebral level. On an emotional level, as a mother who adores the hell out of her spoiled-as-shit daughter, I say hell yeah, it's interfering, but if God didn't want us to interfere, he wouldn't have blessed the scientists who discovered the measures with the knowledge to save thousands upon thousands of lives. I do believe that God allows these illnesses to happen for a reason. I don't believe he causes them as punishment, but for us to learn something we are supposed to learn. I also believe that he puts the medicine and the doctors here as a means of Divine Intervention, a way for people to do His work here on Earth. Not to get all "churchy" on y'all, but yeah, that's what I believe. I believe God helps those who help themselves.
So not only are we doing this, we are doing this Sarah-style...with lots of fight, and lots of pink...We will make her world as bright and cheery as we possibly can so that she will want to stay in it, because as shitty as this world is sometimes, life is worth living. Especially with a little girl who eats bacon like a trucker at a road stop diner, who wears Princess crowns to the mall, and who never goes a day without wearing something pink, EVER. God has big plans for her, I know it. So whatever it is that we need to do, whatever it is they tell us at that meeting on Thursday, we will do it with pride and a smile on our faces because that's what our little girl needs. Bring it on.